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LadyAkilah
05-15-2003, 08:08 AM
Mothers Day just passed and Father's Day is coming up...

Do your femdom interests find their way into childrearing or do you just keep it entirely out of childrearing?

What I'm asking is:
Do you raise your girl children to have more power in subtle ways, or are you more open in discussing sexuality with your children as a result of your interest in femdom?

Are you a better parent because you're a good TOP?

mstrcoquette
05-24-2003, 12:20 AM
Do your femdom interests find their way into childrearing or do you just keep it entirely out of childrearing?

I find that I can discuss things a great deal better with my 24 y/old son than I can with my 15 y/o daughter.
Because he is a prison guard trained by the military and quite familiar with restraints and the like.
Our daughter is still at that silly stage where she doesn't realize how seriously things are sometimes. Although she claims she is not a dominant type of female she sure acts the part. I have had to explain to her specifically about when it is appropriate to kick guys in the balls. She kind of took off with it, because she got a great deal of attention from her friends because of it. We have had to explain to her about specifics so she realizes it is not funny when it is not in self-defense it is probably considered assault or sexual harassment; possibly worse.


What I'm asking is:
Do you raise your girl children to have more power in subtle ways, or are you more open in discussing sexuality with your children as a result of your interest in femdom?

I find it difficult because of her developmental stage to get her to grasp and have more understanding of her potential as a female with power. I feel responsible to train her in those arts. She giggles and laughs. However, I see that she has more confidence because she feels free to discuss these subjects with me in regards to dating, and sexual exploration. My work is all about femdom and she really hasn't figured the compositions out for herself yet. She recognizes the sexuality of it, but not the Femdom aspects of my sculptures just yet. (As a matter of fact, probably one half of one percent of adults actually get the subject of my sculpture.) I am a little ambivilant of the reaction she will give when she does figure it out. I will be surprised. Plus my 24/7 D/s relationship with my husband clearly baffles her.

ladytigress
05-27-2003, 11:04 AM
My husband and I have half custody of his two kids, 11 and 7. Every other week, we "de-kink the house", go through and remove every possible sign of kink activity, and lock all the furniture and toys in the closet under the stairs. We occasionally still play after the kids have gone to bed, but have to keep it low key and quiet. Gags are helpful. ;-) And even the D\s aspects are a downplayed in front of them. We are partners when it comes to raising our children. Both strong, both with opinions that are valued, but neither overwhelmingly dominant.

I don't think kink has any place in raising young kids. Teenagers and grown kids are a little different because they have a certain degree of sexual awareness, but even then, kids need to discover their own proclivities. We try to make sure our kids know that anything they tell us is okay. I would hope that when their interests start developing, they will not feel uncomfortable with their desires, and will know that we will love and accept them, regardless.

Since we are poly, and have a lot of kinky friends, the kids have met a lot of our playmates and friends, and I think that helps them to see the variety of people who are out there, and that no matter how different someone is from them, they can still be really cool people. They don't know that Rhiannon was my husband's collared slave, but they do know that she was a dear friend who sometimes slept in our bed, and who was raised a nudist. They may not know that his new girl is a switch, but they do know that she's a black lady who just broke up with a man, and now has a girlfriend. They may not know that Icarus was my slave and lover, but they know he was our closest friend and we wanted him to live with us.

I think my kids see the openness and the affection and the acceptance of differences, and I think those are excellent things for them to see and internalize. Whips or restraints at this age, just don't seem like wise things to expose them to. And seeing one partner as totally subservient to the other would also not be the best thing. Even when they're grown, unless they express interests in the same kinks, I think those things will stay in the closet when they visit. There are some things kids are just not meant to know about their parents.

Kink is individual, too, and I don't feel any need or desire to influence my kids to have kinks like ours. They'll develop their own. My step-daughter is about as dominant as they come, but if that's just her personality or if it turns into her sexuality, that's up to her, and I don't want to influence that. My step-son is showing signs of an uncertain sexual orientation, and is about as submissive and masochistic as a kid can be, but again, I will see where that goes as he grows. The main thing is just to make sure that if they do find themselves inheriting unusual desires, I don't want them to feel like there's anything wrong with those desires. It would be nice if they didn't have to go through the same questioning of self-worth and worry about rejection by loved ones, that my Xan did.

I was very fortunate in that my mother raised me to believe that sex was a happy and joyous part of life, and also, that whatever kind of person I became, she would still love and accept me. That has been a huge comfort to me, and has freed me to explore my sexuality with a comfort level that few others have. She did not, however, expose me to her personal sexual desires, or try to influence my sexual development in any particular direction. I knew that I could tell my mother that I was running a commercial femdom site and she would just say, "That's nice, dear. Is it doing well?" I know that if tomorrow, I discovered that I was gay or bi, I could tell her, and she would say something like, "Well, I'm glad I already have grandchildren." I've never been afraid of rejection or disapproval from my mother for being myself, regardless of who that is. I just hope I do half as well with my kids.

Tigress

abitbent
05-29-2003, 04:50 PM
Wow.. great posts from everyone. It's entirely refreshing to see real life D/s folk chatting realistically about this lifestyle.

After reading about some of your children, and how some of you have noticed traits in your kids that could qualify them for the next d/s munch... it got me thinking... Is it a possibility that kink is hereditary?

It seems that once most of us realize that we're different, and then actually find a name for it, the next question always seems to be "Why am i this way?" I certainly don't dwell on it any longer and have leanred to embrace it, but the question is still in the back of my mind. All the theories about childhood experiences causing this don't seem to fit with me, so it still leaves me wondering.

Think i'll pay my Mom and Dad a visit, pay for them to have dinner and go searching for their toybox. :)

bent

LadyAkilah
05-29-2003, 08:06 PM
Originally posted by "abitbent"

After reading about some of your children, and how some of you have noticed traits in your kids that could qualify them for the next d/s munch... it got me thinking... Is it a possibility that kink is hereditary?

Well, I don't think the apple falls far from the tree.
Most of the "techniques" I use have been learned from (guess who?) Grandma, Mom and one particular Aunt. Grandma was a whiz at control and discipline. I just modify her methods a bit.

As far as parenting goes, mine would claim that they didn't overtly expose me to anything. But being a curious kid I found every bit of porn, every sex toy, book and magazine in the house. The most important thing I got from the "not overtly sexual" childrearing is that kinky is healthy, but you still have to be a bit discreet with it. I don't think they did too badly for some folks who didn't exactly have a manual for raising a Domme kid, huh?

Mule
06-05-2003, 07:33 AM
Originally posted by "LadyAkilah"

What I'm asking is:
Do you raise your girl children to have more power in subtle ways, or are you more open in discussing sexuality with your children as a result of your interest in femdom?


I think the key word here is "subtle." If I were asked who was the most important female role model in my life, I would have to answer, "my dad."

No he did not walk around the house in a dress in high heels :D

It was the way that he treated my mother and my sister that made him a role model. Dad was a typical 50's head of household, a macho-construction worker, and beer swilling, baseball watching kind of guy. However, he ALWAYS treated my mother and sister (and me) with respect.

From this I learned to treat others with respect: women as well as men.

Now I imagine that in a female dominated household the message will come leaking out of the actions. You may not (and in my opinion, should not) exercise female domination overtly in front of the kids. It should be a private relational thing.

However, just as kids pick up on whether thier parents love each other, they will pick up on the true realtionship (without the details) between their parents.

mstrcoquette
06-05-2003, 09:39 AM
I don't see how I could be any other way with my kids. Femdom or not, I have always been dominant. It is a very difficult thing to hide. We just don't openly discuss our BDSM & D/s lifestyle with our teenager. My teenage daughter associates me with some of the worst characters in history. I have been called Atillah the Hun, the Sea Witch, The terminator, and an assasin. She just plain associates me with evil characters. So much for a mothers day card. It is only my son who appreciates my 'softer side'. (Gave me a gold #1 mom necklace for Mothers Day).

My squirrely and I were discussing this the other day. We have pretty much always had a 24/7 relationship of D/s. As well, he gets the credit and all the love in this family. He is the hero who saves the day, gives love to all the girls in the family. Bastard, son of Barney. "I love you, you love me, ..."
However, he has a reputation, like Mule talked about his father, that when they do not show respect to me he can turn into an atomic bomb, and there will be bodies lying around here left and right, crying.

He uses his intelligence to deal with them. I enjoy watching the spars and the sparks fly.

mikkey
06-05-2003, 10:02 PM
Sometimes I ask myself what if our daughter finds out. Scary.
How would we explain it ? I just hope it will never happen.

mstrcoquette
06-06-2003, 03:25 AM
Everyones values are different. Some people on this forum are very open with their kids about their lifestyle. Perhaps they can offer some advice. My values are to live and let live. If my kids find out about our lifestyle, it will be on their own. I can discuss general sexual matters with them in a 'matter of fact' manner, if they ask me questions. If they get too personal about my own practice thats where I draw the line. I don't feel free to discuss my personal practice with my kids. It's just not cool and I think it kind of grosses them out, if you know what I mean. I guess the proof of it all is in the results. If we can teach them with an open mind then there is always room for experimentation on their part in their own sexuality to discover when it is time. The other day my girls were discussing gay sexuality and anal sex and I had to clear up some misinformation that they had been given, it is really interesting the stuff kids conjure up in their discussions.